How to Simulate Living Aboard a Navy Vessel
1.1 Buy a dumpster, chip the paint off down to bare metal, paint it gray, and live in it for six months. {Coast Guard simulations use white paint.}
1.2 Run all the piping and the wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
1.3 Repaint your entire house once a month.
1.4 Place metal barriers on the lower 18" of every door in your house and add eight handles to every door..
1.5 Pump ten inches of nasty half sewage water into your basement. Pump it out, clean up the mess and paint everything in the basement gray. Repeat frequently for added realism.
1.6 On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, on Tuesday and Thursday set the temperature at 10 degrees. On Saturday and Sunday inform your family that they used too much water during the week and as a result all showering is secured.
1.7 Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed to within six inches of the ceiling. Stow all your clothing and possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" locker. If anyone is sick and throwing up put them in the top bunk.
1.8 Give the keys to your house to your next door neighbor. Instruct him enter your bedroom every morning at 0530 (5:30 am), and blow a whistle loud enough for Helen Keller to hear. Instruct the neighbor to shout in a amplified megaphone six inches from your ear, "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lit in all authorized spaces."
1.9 Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do the following day. Assemble your family and stand in the back yard at 0600 (6 am) while your mother-in-law reads her "Plan of the Day" (POD) to you. Stand around for 15-20 minutes and then have your uncle join the group read the same thing again. Repeat this everyday expect Sunday, unless you are simulating "at sea" in which case you may opt to do it seven days a week.
1.10 Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the door that reads, "Secured - Contact OA Div at X-3053."
1.11 When you leave your house make sure to take the phone off the hook so it will be busy all day. [ Mike C.]
1.12 Observe the ship board multi telephone line rule. One line is always reserved for the use of your father-in-law, one line reserved for your mother-in-law, and the third line is reserved for official business. If you want to make a personal call, walk two blocks to a convenience store and wait in line at the pay phone.
1.13 Install a bell on the front porch. Whenever your father-in-law comes over ring the bell 4 times and announce his arrival/departure over a megaphone. [PO3 Petras]
1.14 Every time you leave or enter the house salute the porch light and ask your dog for permission to leave or enter the dwelling. [Paul]
1.15 ( Aircraft Carrier Simulation) At random intervals from 1000 to 2200 (10 A.M. to 10 P.M.), have a biker gang with sledgehammers pound on your roof to simulate the launching and recovery of aircraft. At night, after the family has gone to sleep, have the bikers drag chains and heavy equipment across the roof to simulate the 're-spotting' of the aircraft for the next morning's flight schedule. [AT2 Adam C. Vonder Ahe-Cossey]
1.16 Install flashlights (battle lanterns) at the precise height at which to bang your head in the dark. Point the flashlight and important items (such as the sofa, all doorways, stove, etc). Occasionally turn the electric power off at the mains and run around the house turning on all the flashlights. [DC2 Scott Corbitt]
1.17 Use an air-raid siren for an alarm clock. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]
1.18 Remove all wrist watches from the family. Use the dinner bell as a systematic time indicator. Ring it madly when every body is their hungriest and announce the "Chow-line is not open for an hour." Do not drool when you hear bells. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]
1.19 ( Aircraft Carrier Simulation) Have house mover relocate your home ten feet under Runway 19 at Chicago O'Hare International Airport for 6 months. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]
1.20 Divide bathroom shower with three partitions. Remove shower nozzle and replace with kitchen sink dish sprayer hooked to the cold water line only. The "extra" two showers now represent actual percentage of operable showers. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]
1.21 Remove bathroom sink, mirror, and all shelves. Replace with water fountain for shaving and hygiene use. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]
1.22 Do Laundry using only the rinse cycle with paint thinner for detergent. Dry for 10 minutes and randomly redistribute. [AD1(AW/NAC) Dale Bishop]
1.23 Have an electrician certify as 'safe' and hang a tag on every electrical appliance you own, no matter if the appliance is brand new or if its own manufacturer claims it is up to safety standards. [Michael White]
1.24 Buy a two year calendar. Carefully mark your EAOS (End of Active Obligated Service) day two years out, and number the days back to the present date for a long count down. Mark each day off for two years, dreaming of the "get out day." Then march down to personnel and ship over (reenlist for additional years service). [Radioman]
1.25 Place fire extinguishers on the bulkheads (walls) of your home at elbow level next to the door openings to conveniently rip your shirt. [FC2 Pickett]
1.26 Stand in your living room with all the lights turned out, except for one red light by which you read a small print book. [QM2 Judd]
1.27 On the hottest day of the year, have your local mechanic inspect all the fans and air conditioners per the "MIM" (maintenance instruction manual) for resistance to ground. When he finishes, have him announce, "They failed the 'xyz' and 'opq' tests. I'm required to cut off all the plugs." [Former Carrier Sailor]
1.28 Place your home on large hydraulic jacks. At random intervals, kill the lights and have the jacks move your home to and fro at unexpected intervals and angles. (Simulates dropping the load {loss of power} in 20 foot seas). [ABF2 Yanes]
1.29 Gather the family and drive to McDonald's. Park twelve blocks away, line up and slowly walk toward the front entrance moaning and griping each step of the way. Reach the door at closing time and have the manager yell, "Chow is secured." [William Jackson]
1.30 Invite 60 street people with bad habits to room with you for six months at a time. When ashore at a naval air station take the worst three and room with them for the rest of the year. [AZC D.Velasquez USNR (Ret)]
1.31 Move out of your home for six months leaving your wife with three children and dog for a tour of solo parenting. Return and immediately begin to tell your spouse how to run the house and raise kids. Warning - this usually result in revised copy of the rank structure and job descriptions for the home. [Steve Donovan]
1.32 Four hours after you get into bed have your spouse shine a flash light in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack!"
1.33 Have everyone in your family hang two pillow cases next to their bed with large clothes pins and mark them "white" and "blue" for their dirty clothes. On laundry day put the pillow cases into two separate trash bags and designate a junior family member to drag them to the laundry room. [SH1 Gil Orozco USN (Ret)]
1.34 (Submarine Simulation) Go from house to house in your neighborhood when you need a place to sleep. Climb in the closest empty bed. The owner will wake you up when they want to sleep. [Norman Babcock CS3 (SS)]
1.35 (Submarine Simulation) Cover a copy of UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice) with plastic. Screw it into the wall (bulkhead) next to the toilet for handy reading. [Norman Babcock CS3 (SS)]
1.36 (Submarine Simulation) Move the contents of a grocery store into your house. Put the cans and boxes on the floor in the bedrooms, dining room and all the hallways. Stoop over when you walk to avoid whacking your head on the ceiling. [Norman Babcock CS3 (SS)]
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Chuck on
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Submarine Simulation:
Buy a car with a sunroof. Paint all windows black. Have your wife stick her head through the sun roof and tell you where and how much to turn when you drive.
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Permalink Reply by NavyDads Admin (Paul) on
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thanks to:
Dave Alperovitz
TM3
USN "68"-"72"
USS Wallace L. Lind DD-703
USS John R. Perry DE-1034for these........
HOW TO SIMULATE LIFE ON A DESTROYER
1- Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months
2- Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls
3- Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out,
clean up and paint the basement "deck gray"
4- Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest
part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10.00 per beer
until your hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5- Perform a weekly, disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6- On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays turn your water temperature up to
200 degrees, then on Tuesday & Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On
Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they use to much
water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7- Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8- Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 6am, blow a whistle so
loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout,
"Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave too and trice up"
9- Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following
day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 8am and read it out loud.
10- Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for 3 days straight, then lock
yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that
reads, "Secured---Contact OA Division at X-3053"
11- Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave
the house before 3pm.
12- Invite 200 of your not-so-close-friends to come over, then board up all the windows
and doors to your house for 3 months. After the 3 months are up, take down the
boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home…
you can't leave until tomorrow, You Have The Duty.
13- Shower with the above mentioned friends.
14- Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home, ie:
Dishwasher Operator, Blender Technician, etc.
15- Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
16- Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to
ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."
17- Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep your driveway 3 times a
day, whether they need it or not.
"Now sweepers sweepers, man your brooms, clean sweep down fore
and aft, empty all trashcans in the dumpster on the pier"
18- Repaint your entire house once a month.
19- Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can
get your hands on.
20- Use 18 scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot and allow each pot to sit
5 hours before drinking.
21- Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read you magazines, and
randomly loose every 5th item.
22- Spend $20,000.00 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN &
the Weather Channel
23- Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle
of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then watch
a different 1.
24- Have your 5 year old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25- Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26- Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe and call it "World Travel"
27- Attempt to spend 5 years working for McDonalds and NOT get promoted.
28- Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies
of your co-workers.
29- Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have
gone to bed.
30- When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout
at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack and order them to man
their battle stations.
"General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations"
31- Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the
pantry or refrigerator.
32- Post the above menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are
having steak for dinner. Then make them stand in line for at least an hour,
when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak but
you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until the don't pay attention to
the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33- When baking a cake, prop up 1 side of the pan while it's in the oven. Spread
icing on real thick to level if off.
34- Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches
at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals 24 hours a day.
35- Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Tell that that at the
of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "Weekend Liberty"
When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has
been cancelled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-
Certification and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
36- In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your no so close friends
(refer to #12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!!
37- Sleep on the shelf of your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have
your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should
shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack".
38- Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub, move
the shower head to chest level. When taking showers, make sure that you shut
off the water while you soap down.
39- When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock
as hard as you can until you become nauseous, have a supply of stale crackers
in your shirt pocked
40- Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41- For ex-engineering types: Leave the lawn mower running in your living room
8 hours a day
42- Have the paperboy give you a haircut
43- Once a week, blow compressed air up you chimney, making sure the wind carries
the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
44- Every other month by green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer.
Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore is complaints.
45- Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46- Buy a trash compactor but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the
other side of your bathtub. (refer to #38)
47- Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter & jelly sandwich on
stale bread.
48- Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night, jump up get dressed
as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff
your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49- Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together.
50- Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read
books. (refer to #37).
51- Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that
you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through 1 of them.
52- Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout, Man overboard starboard side"
Then run into the house and sweep all the pots, pans & dishes off the counter.
Yell at the wife & kids for not having the kitchen "Stowed for sea"
53- Put on the headphones from your stereo set but don't plug them in. Hang a paper
cup around your neck with a string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say … to
no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for 3 or 4 hours.
Again say … to no one particular "Stove secured" Roll up your headphones
and paper cup and place them in a box.
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