How to Simulate Living Aboard a Navy Vessel

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Permalink Reply by Chuck on December 17, 2009 at 3:34pm

Submarine Simulation:
Buy a car with a sunroof. Paint all windows black. Have your wife stick her head through the sun roof and tell you where and how much to turn when you drive.

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Permalink Reply by snooky on January 28, 2010 at 5:23am

Thats funny!! Have a good day, I got to go to work.

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Permalink Reply by NavyDads Admin (Paul) on January 16, 2011 at 9:33pm

thanks to:

Dave Alperovitz
TM3
USN "68"-"72"
USS Wallace L. Lind DD-703
USS John R. Perry DE-1034

 

for these........

 

HOW TO SIMULATE LIFE ON A DESTROYER       
       
1-        Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months
       
2-        Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls
       
3-        Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out,
        clean up and paint the basement "deck gray"
       
4-        Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest
        part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10.00 per beer
        until your hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
       
5-        Perform a weekly, disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
       
6-        On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays turn your water temperature up to
        200 degrees, then on Tuesday & Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees.  On
        Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they use to much
        water during the week, so all showering is secured.
       
7-        Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
       
8-        Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 6am, blow a whistle so
        loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout,
        "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave too and trice up"
       
9-        Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following
        day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 8am and read it out loud.
       
10-        Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for 3 days straight, then lock
        yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that
        reads, "Secured---Contact OA Division at X-3053"
       
11-        Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave
        the house before 3pm.
       
12-        Invite 200 of your not-so-close-friends to come over, then board up all the windows
        and doors to your house for 3 months.  After the 3 months are up, take down the
        boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home…
        you can't leave until tomorrow, You Have The Duty.
       
13-        Shower with the above mentioned friends.
       
14-        Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home, ie:
        Dishwasher Operator, Blender Technician, etc.
       
15-        Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
       
16-        Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.  This is to
        ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."
       
17-        Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep your driveway 3 times a
        day, whether they need it or not.
        "Now sweepers sweepers, man your brooms, clean sweep down fore
        and aft, empty all trashcans in the dumpster on the pier"
       
18-        Repaint your entire house once a month.
       
19-        Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can
        get your hands on.
       
20-        Use 18 scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot and allow each pot to sit
        5 hours before drinking.
       
21-        Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read you magazines, and
        randomly loose every 5th item.
       
22-        Spend $20,000.00 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN &
        the Weather Channel
       
23-        Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle
        of the night.  Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then watch
        a different 1.
       
24-        Have your 5 year old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
       
25-        Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
       
26-        Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe and call it "World Travel"
       
27-        Attempt to spend 5 years working for  McDonalds and NOT get promoted.
       
28-        Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies
        of your co-workers.
       
29-        Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have
        gone to bed.
       
30-        When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout
        at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack and order them to man
        their battle stations.
        "General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations"
       
31-        Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the
        pantry or refrigerator.
       
32-        Post the above menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are
        having steak for dinner.  Then make them stand in line for at least an hour,
        when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak but
        you have dried ham or hot dogs.  Repeat daily until the don't pay attention to
        the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
       
33-        When baking a cake, prop up 1 side of the pan while it's in the oven.  Spread
        icing on real thick to level if off.
       
34-        Place a podium at the end of your driveway.  Have your family stand watches
        at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals 24 hours a day.
       
35-        Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks.  Tell that that at the
        of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "Weekend Liberty"
        When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has
        been cancelled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-
        Certification and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.
       
36-        In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your no so close friends
        (refer to #12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!!
       
37-        Sleep on the shelf of your closet.  Replace the closet door with a curtain.  Have
        your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep.  She should
        shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack".
       
38-        Renovate your bathroom.  Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub, move
        the shower head to chest level.  When taking showers, make sure that you shut
        off the water while you soap down.
       
39-        When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock
        as hard as you can until you become nauseous, have a supply of stale crackers
        in your shirt pocked
       
40-        Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
       
41-        For ex-engineering types:  Leave the lawn mower running in your living room
        8 hours a day
       
42-        Have the paperboy give you a haircut
       
43-        Once a week, blow compressed air up you chimney, making sure the wind carries
        the soot onto your neighbor's house.  Ignore his complaints.
       
44-        Every other month by green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer.
        Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore is complaints.
       
45-        Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
       
46-        Buy a trash compactor but use it only once a week.  Store the garbage on the
        other side of your bathtub.  (refer to #38)
       
47-        Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter & jelly sandwich on
        stale bread.
       
48-        Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night, jump up get dressed
        as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff
        your pants into your socks.  Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
       
49-        Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together.
       
50-        Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read
        books. (refer to #37). 
       
51-        Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that
        you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through 1 of them.
       
52-        Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout, Man overboard starboard side"
        Then run into the house and sweep all the pots, pans & dishes off the counter.
        Yell at the wife & kids for not having the kitchen "Stowed for sea"
       
53-        Put on the headphones from your stereo set but don't plug them in.  Hang a paper
        cup around your neck with a string.  Go stand in front of your stove.  Say … to
        no one in particular "Stove manned and ready"  Stand there for 3 or 4 hours.
        Again say … to no one particular "Stove secured"  Roll up your headphones
        and paper cup and place them in a box.
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       
       

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