nervous dad and waiting to hear from son

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Permalink Reply by NavyDads Admin (Paul) on December 13, 2014 at 7:53pm

lest you think you are alone, this was posted by a dad to another member dealing with separation anxiety....

    "I know you have seen some encouraging comments from other members, but I wanted to weigh in here too. On 28 January, a month after completing college, my son was sworn in to the Navy DEP. It was a couple of days after that when it hit me....after 23 years of a daily relationship with him everything was about to change! I knew joining the Navy was going to be the absolute best thing for him. But in spite of that, I became very depressed. I had no idea what I was doing but googled Navy support groups. I found this site. I remember posting my first comments.....reluctantly because I thought others would think of me as less of a man.....how depressed I was already at the thought of my son leaving and he was not leaving for boot until 1 May. Well the responses were surprising! All the admins and a number of other members put me at ease when they responded that every dad on this site, if they are honest with themselves, experienced the same thing. I also followed the great advice from the admins to read as much as possible on this site. All of this really helped! But then came the week before he left. I became very upset and just wasn't sure how I was going to cope. It really took some work to get it under control. Then the day came to put him on that plane to Great Lakes. As the tears flowed, it was my son in a bit of a role reversal that said, "dad, it's going to be just fine." Well from that point everything happened just as it was described by the admins and other members on this site from receiving the "kid in a box" to the form letter to the first phone call. The best advice I received after his departure was to write often. I didn't really think my son would care that much because my son has always been very independent and not the "home sick" type. But I found out two things in writing the letters: he loved them and encouraged it and they were very therapeutic for me! In the 7 weeks after I received his address I wrote 16 letters. All typed, no spacing, and not one under 4 pages long! I would never have imagined being able to come up with that much to write about....but you will be surprised. It truly helped the time move along as well. Then believe it or not, PIR was upon us. My son graduated on 28 June. The only thing I can say about PIR is that as it relates to my son, it was the second greatest day of my life......second ONLY to witnessing his birth! When you see your sailor march into that hall and you realize he/she is now a part of something greater than themselves, it is an indescribable feeling of pride. A feeling that washes away all the tears and angst of the previous 8 1/2 weeks of separation. Now as I look back, I am amazed how time has passed so quickly! As of today my son has been out of boot camp almost as long as he was in it. He is in Pensacola attending IT A school. This is totally different from boot camp. It resembles being away to college as you can communicate freely (voice, text, e-mail) with the exception of when they are in class. So to wrap this up, as others have said, hang in there! You too before you know it will be in the same shoes as many of us....looking back wondering where the time went and posting comments to help parents going through that which you have endured. I cannot emphasize enough how wonderful this site is to help you through it.....from really good information to Navy FAMILY who are there for moral support. God Bless you and your son for his service to our great country!"

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Permalink Reply by Duane Duncan on December 13, 2014 at 8:08pm

wow that's a post I needed to read because I felt some of those same things. I think I am going to start writing letters today so once i get the address i can start sending them. Thanks again and will start to read more of the stuff on the website to learn more.

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Permalink Reply by NavyDads Admin (Paul) on December 13, 2014 at 8:12pm

suggest you number the letters- that way your sailor can read them int he order you wrote them....

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Permalink Reply by Jay Thompson on December 13, 2014 at 8:51pm

don't forget to ask him when he writes to put down his DOT (Date Of Training) in his letter. It helps to know basically where he's at in his training. Processing days are day 1 (P1), then P2 and so forth until processing completed, then week 1, day 1 would be DOT 1-1, then 1-2  and so forth until week one is over, then 2-1, 2-1 etc. You'll know his PIR, but if there's a set back or holidays, or whatever it's nice to know where he stands in his training.

Don't feel any less because of him being gone. Yes, we all go through it. It affects some worse then others, but every parent feels it to a degree. I thought I was prepared for it as my son had already left home for college in another state, although after a year he returned home. Although there was that separation, I could at any time pick up the phone and call or text or send an email and so could he. There were breaks and holidays, and although gone, he really wasn't (my credit card can attest to this). This.....this is different. No contact really drives home the point that he's gone. On his own. Away. Sheesh.

But you know, THIS is what I gave up blood, sweat, and tears for. This is what HE wants. THIS is what I prepared him for. THIS is how things are supposed to happen. The young stud leaves the nest and goes forth and makes his way in the world. Painful? Yeah, it is. But it helps when I see somebody and they ask how's the boy doing? I swell my chest up a little and then talk the poor sap's ear off telling him the latest news. I have good moments and bad. Laugh one second and cry the next. This is a growth experience for both my son and me.

I can't tell you what will make it better. What works one moment is failure the next. And it ain't over. Hell, I haven't even gotten the first letter yet. And his room....is quiet. I almost catch myself whistling when I walk past. I'm right there with ya pal. And so is everyone else here. In a small way, you have joined a brotherhood that is select. We're Navy Dads. And the initiation is more painful then Army Basic Training I went through myself 33 years ago. I'll survive. YOU'LL survive. But as with all things military....you are not an army of one. You have buddies. I'm here. There are others there for me. And they're there for you. The "veterans" have been through this and carry the scars with pride. Lean on them. Seek their counsel. And one day, take another new Navy Dad and guide his journey.

May your Son experience smooth sailing, and the alcohol you savor to wash away the tears taste sweet.

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Permalink Reply by Paul Reeder on December 14, 2014 at 6:59am

I am a single parent too and my life consisted of working and raising my son and spending as much time as I could with him. And this has honestly been the hardest thing I've had to go through.

Jay, you nailed it on the head, mine also went to college away from home but was never more than a call or text away. And a short drive on the weekend. He also transferred back home after 6 months to a local school so we've never really been apart until now. I found myself picking up my phone all the time during basic expecting a text or call from him and then it would hit me again. Leaving the phone by my bed in case he got the chance to call home. And like you said, this is what we as parents worked so hard for, to raise our kid's to be able to become members of such an elite group of people. He worked hard for this and this is the happiest and most fulfilled I've ever seen him. And I'm sure everyone I know will soon get sick of hearing all about him as I too can not stop talking to any and everyone I come across. But that's what they make ear plugs for. 

Now that he has graduated boot and moved on to the next step, I have to keep reminding myself not to get used to being able to call and text again as I'm sure once he ships out, that contact is going to be very limited. But I'm going to enjoy it while I can. And this site has been great, helping me realize none of us is alone on this journey! BZ to the creators and administrators for the dedication and hard work in making a place for all of us to come together. 

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Permalink Reply by Blake Owen on December 14, 2014 at 9:44am

It's amazing how many of us have similar stories.

I too was a single parent. I raised two kids, a daughter and son. My daughter is already done with college, married and has a 4 month old son.

My son and I have always been tight. He lived at home for 24 years. He was able to attend local college and still live at home. He worked with me at my job from the time he graduated from high school until a few weeks ago. So he was in the same small office with me for 5 years. We worked out together, rode bikes together and shared a lot of interest in gaming and computers.

When he was ready to move to a 4 year college to finish his degree he found out that isn't what he wanted to do. The idea of joining the Navy came up. He has always wanted to try the military and I had been in the Navy myself.  In August of 2013 we went to see the recruiters. He was 35 lbs. over weight so we had a lot of work to do. We began a new diet, started biking then added running and finally P90X at the end. He literally worked his butt off for almost a year to get where he is today.

When he went to DEP he planned to get the IT rate but he is colorblind. He ended up getting CTI. When the words "Dad I ship out on December 1st and I got CTI which has a 6 year enlistment" hit my ears it was like a punch in the gut. Then he mentioned that he put my name as the beneficiary on his insurance, I just broke down.

Come November 2014 the separation anxiety was getting strong that last month. The thought of us being so close and then an instant severing of any contact. The knowledge of him not being able to come home for over a year was almost unbearable for me. The last week I had a constant lump in my throat.

Finally the day came to take him to the recruiters office. We watched a bit of TV and then when time to go we embraced and wept and he told me I'd been his best friend and I had been the best dad anyone could ever have.That was the best compliment I'd ever gotten from anyone in my life.

I never though I could write a letter every day and how could I think of anything to say? Let me tell you it's easier than I'd imagined. Some days it's just one page some days it's more. I've been there and I know the happy feeling you get when they yell "Mail Call" and then call your name. As soon as I got his form letter I'd already had five letters written.

Some things I have done is number each letter so he will be able to read and keep them in order. I tell him what the weather is here, gas prices and about local happenings. Tell him about anything you did that day, it doesn't matter what it is. I sent him a questionnaire with a SASE. I also sent a calendar of the month of December with a SASE so he could give me an idea of where he is in training. I included some sea stories from my days in boot camp for him to share with his fellow recruits. When you write, ask him what he wants included in the letters, sports scores, photos, etc.

I haven't had any contact from him yet but I know it's coming soon. I count the days till I see him march through those doors at the drill hall!

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Permalink Reply by Navy Dads Co-Admin Tom on December 14, 2014 at 9:51am

Welcome to the family Duane! It's amazing how loud the silence can be... You should be receiving a Form letter in about a week that will give you his Division# and address Write him as often as you can. It is not only good for him, but you as well! The first month is definitely the hardest  as you will spend a lot of time waiting and wondering. We who have been through it know it as the "rollercoaster". Your emotions will go up and down like crazy! Spend the time exploring this site. You will be able to learn what he is going through each week. Ask any questions that come to mind. Join a group for his PIR date as plenty of other parents are feeling just the same as you! What I can promise you is that on the day of PIR, everything you will have gone through will be worth it. You will see your Son grown into a United States sailor and will swell with a pride that you cannot yet imagine! Best of luck to you and your Son as he begins his journey...Again....Welcome to the Navy family, Sir!

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Permalink Reply by Duane Duncan on December 22, 2014 at 12:18am

well got the form letter today he is ship 13 DIV 089 and PIR Feb 6th. I have not got his box yet but not worried there was nothing really in it of value. So i am on a shoestring budget and going to go to his PIR so any tips or tricks such as hotels who pick up at airport and take you to graduation ect. i am going to look in the forums as well but when i say shoestring i mean like a very short one but i know it will be a big boost to my son to see me before he starts A-school there in Great lakes. every tip counts so don't hesitate to post it here. like hotel that's in walking distance to the base ect.

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Permalink Reply by Mike Walker on December 22, 2014 at 7:49am

Duane, my heart goes out to you.  I have 9 children and my SR is #8 to leave home #3 to go into the service, I can tell you that the separation anxiety is always there.  Zach called Saturday evening says he loves Boot, doing well, has good shipmates and the Petty Officers are easier than dad, I still cried. About to cry now.  It's ok, when you make your trip to PIR you will swell with so much pride and fear, that's the reward for training our children to be contributing adults.  When the older boys were taking Bagdad and Falujah, twice, I cried.  I have 2 sons who wear the police blue and I cry and pray for them daily.  But no more than I do for my Teacher, Nurse, my hair dresser or my preacher boy.  Love them, pray for them cry for yourself.  It's all healthy. Take pride in their achievements love them and be there for them.  As dads we go from rubbing dirt on skinned elbows and knees to being the sounding board for the nights that PTSD hits them hard.  Then we get to watch with pride as they begin training their own children.  That's how it works.  Be NAVY proud.  Cry a little, Pray a lot.  Congratulations Dad consider yourself a success.

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Permalink Reply by Navy Dads Co-Admin Tom on December 22, 2014 at 10:03am

Duane....Try the Navy Lodge.....close and not too expensive. Contact Sarge...he can help with transportation and such!

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